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April 17, 2015

44年ぶりの入院顛末(3)

いま思えば予兆はあったし、それに気づいてもいたのである。

1か月半ほど前から、毎朝する野口体操の際に、みぞおちの左のあたりにかすかな違和感を覚えていた。1ヵ月ほど前に、事務所内で週1回している案件進捗確認のミーティングの際に、みぞおちのあたりに痛みを感じて、2分ほど時間をやりすごしたこともあった。

しかし、違和感はかすかなものであり、痛みは一過性のものであった。
そして、それ以外においては不調はまったくなかった。
むしろ10年前の自分、ここ数年の自分よりも健康な思いがして、主観的には活気があった。
この好調に乗じて、これまで公私にわたってやりたくやり残していることをやっておこうと考え、さまざまなプロジェクトを立ち上げ、着手したりもしていた。

しかし、みぞおち左の違和感は気になる。
近くのクリニックに相談にいった。

Dr.「筋肉が痛いんですか、胃の中がいたいんですか?」
僕「うーん、そう改めていわれるとよくわからなくなりますが、、、体操の時にしか感じないということは、筋肉のような気もしますが、しかし、腹筋を鍛えたときの痛みとはまったくちがうので、中のような気もするし、、、」
Dr.「まあ、胃薬呑んで様子をみましょう」

しかし、お酒も食事もおいしくいただいていたので、この胃薬は飲まれることなく終わった。

率直にいうと、ここで僕はガンを疑った。
僕は「患者よ ガンと闘うな」の近藤誠さんの意見にシンパシーを感じていて、定期健診はあまりまじめに受けておらず、ただ不調・異常を感じたときには、早めにさっさと調べてもらう、ということにしている。昨年兄を肺がんでなくしたし、司法研修所卒業25周年の集まりではほぼ同年配のTさんが胃がんで急逝したことを知った。刑事裁判教官のN先生が「ガンは自分でも気づけるはずだよ」とおっしゃっていたことも耳に残っていて、ここはきちんと検査してもらおうと思った。

長年にわたり顧問を努めさせて頂いているドクターのK先生に相談して、先生が副院長を務められておられるG医院で人間ドックを受けることにした。

その場で知らされるデータの数値は喜ばしいものであった。
肺活量などは、同年輩の150%超えであるといわれ、美人の看護師さんからほめられもした。
胃の内視鏡の検査がおわると、その場で内視鏡医の先生から

「ごくごく軽い、治療の必要もない炎症の跡がありますが、ほかはまったくきれいです。
  生検の必要もありません。」

とのことであった。

いま思えば、ここでまちがいをしたと思う。
普段の僕なら

「データには表れなくても、症状はある。
 この《からだの実感》を大切にしなければいけない。
 では、何をどうすれば、、、」

と考え、実践したと思う。

しかし、この時は、その場で伝えられる各検査項目のよき結果に浮かれてしまった。

「これなら、もう少し加速しても大丈夫だ」というようなふうに考えてしまったわけである。

いま思えば、その時すでに、漢方でいう「気血の滞り」というようなものが胃に生じていたのだと思う。一番必要なのは、休息だったろう。TO DO LISTを整理して、捨てるものはすて、人に任せられるものは任せ、先送りできるものはして、時間にすきま風を吹かせてやらなければいけなかった。鳥のさえずりを聴きながら、ひねもすのたりのたりかな、という日をつくるべきだった。

しかし、僕はすでに立ち上げているプロジェクトを加速させることばかりを考えた。
手のかかる倒産事件も新たに手がけることになり、土曜日に出勤して関係者を説得し、日曜日も用事をこなし、月曜日の始発で秋田の工場へ向かって操業停止を宣言して従業員を解雇し、幹部社員を再雇用して事後処理の打合せをし、取引先を連鎖倒産させないようにさまざまな手を打ち、行き帰りの新幹線の中でもメールで指示を出し続けるというようなことをしていた。

こうした日々のなか、事務所のチームの食事会、懐かしい人たちとの会合、新しく知り合った魅力的な人生の先輩方からのお誘いなどが続き、普段の夕食ではありえない量の食事とお酒をいただくことが週に何度かあった。

そして、急激な気温の変化。
加齢。

僕のからだは、これらの要因をすべて受け止めた上で、4月10日に「休息宣言」をしたのだと思う。

自分の実感を大切にして今回のことを省みればそういうことになる。

ひとは自分の得意技で致命傷を負う。
一病息災の逆を地で行くような話であるが、忙しく暮らす方々には参考になることもあるかと思い、駄文を弄した次第である。

といいながら、まだ入院中に、朝からこんな長い文章を書いているのが体に悪いんだってば(( ̄∇ ̄)!

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